David Letterman

This isn't any kind of slander report, since no one lied. More like I'd like to voice a concern, if not for others than just for myself.

Tonight, David Letterman, who has been rambling along since the cancellation of his NBC morning show in the early 80s, has Rod Blagoyavich on The Late Show. What?

I've been an almost constant member of the late-night talk-show audience (hell, late-night TV in general) for some years, and one of the cardinal rules I've observed is that there should, must, be an amability between host and guest. A certain friendliness. They don't need to be friends in reality, but it befits the flow of the show for the two to get along, not simply for the host to pick out interesting questions. If they can't do it genuinely, they must at least feign it winningly.

Taking into the account the sheltered personality I believe Mr. Letterman has, there are few guests on his show that I'd say are actual friends. Really only a handful, like Bill Murray, Amy Sedaris, Bruce Willis, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Don Rickles, maybe even Regis. And although he's never done an excellent job at it, he has always managed to feign that empathy necessary between interviewer and interviewer. Even if for fluff.

The only "testy" relationships I've seen Dave have were with Charles Grodin and Bill O'Reilly; the first fabricated, the second, on earlier occassions at least, real. But am to believe that he can actually pull off having, I don't know...some sort of connection with this Blagoyavich? I doubt it. So why is he doing it?

O'Reilly doesn't matter, he's only a critic so it's all talk. But Blagoyavich was on the other side of the court, where he actually held responsibilities, held say. He was in a position of power! And the weasle completely soiled it.

There are some things on television that I cannot watch, that are simply too awkward. People eating bugs I can take, but interviews like this, or lame acceptance speeches I cannot. Why is Letterman doing this? That rat bastard Blagoyavich can't just play it off like McCain did when he came back after snubbing Dave for Katie Couric, with "It was a bonehead move." This isn't just a faux-pas we're talking about!

Will people clap when he comes on? This man can't just play it off, he can't just say look, I made a mistake. That rat bastard fucked himself! What else is there to say?

Since when did Dave become Oprah, inviting fools onto the program just to flog them. Assuming that's what Letterman does; really, what else can he do?

I cannot believe it. I guess I'll have to get over this phobia of watching awkward things on TV just to see what happens.

Or maybe it's just an excuse to get his handsome mug a little more exposure.

We'll see.

The Last King of Scotland

Slander: Idi Amin was supposedly the "last king of Scotland."

This is a short one, but necessary (imagine how few husbands have had the confidence to say that on their honeymoons; we're in short-supply).

There hasn't been a King of Scotland since 1651, when Charles II was crowned and later fled after his band of ninny's was defeated by Cromwell's tight-ass puritans. When thing's cooled down, the Kingdom of Scotland merged with the Kingdom of England to form Great Britain. There's no way this Amin character was in any involved. It's been over 300 years, and besides that, no black blood ever had any occasion to mix in with the Scottish monarchy. I mean, it could've, but as From Hell proved, the royal family definitely has ways of dealing with a situation like that. A very accurate comic, that From Hell is, as well as highly entertaining.

No way this Idi Amin was involved. I mean, unless he was immortal. And you all know how likely that is. Heh, an immortal scotsman. Can you believe it? Who'd ever think up such a crazy idea? It's preposturous!


Yes...preposturous...

This has been Scam America!, always looking out FOR YOU!

Burger King

Slander: claiming what I was given was the “correct change.”

A grave injustice has been committed against me, by none other than the Burger King burger stand. An operation with an otherwise spotless reputation, recent actions have forced me to put their conduct under review, not only for my sake, but for the sake of the American consumer!

What caused this suspicion occurred today when I was frequenting a local Burger King drive-thru. I was getting lunch, a Whopper value meal. Heh…some whopper.


Anyways, I realized all I had were hundreds. So I handed one to Estraleta, the drive-thru attendant, confident that the good people of Burger King, after 54 years in business, would give me the right amount of change, no problem. But it seems I’ll never be able to shake this little thing called naiveté.

A hundred I gave them, and ninety they gave me. Yet the bill was exactly $5.67! The gall! I may have been in a hurry, but I was definitely not leaving without my $4.33. So when I got my food I asked Estraleta about it, and what did she do? After not even bothering to apologize in the official language of our great nation, she only gave me back 33 cents. I told her there were 4 more dollars where that came from. She was confused and called her manager, Rick. I was comforted to hear that name. A good, solid American name. Surely no translation would be needed.

When I told Rick I was glad I could talk to someone who could understand me, and then nodded toward the diminutive Estraleta behind him, he informed me his last name was Rodriguez. Go figure. Well, he spoke my language, so that was enough. I told him what happened. He conferred with Estraleta in their foreign tongue and then told me he was confident she had given me the correct change. I asked how he could be certain of this, since he wasn’t there. He told me he runs a pretty tight ship, so Estraleta wouldn’t even consider stealing. I asked if it was possible to ever really know a person. He told me he had gotten a pretty good reading of me just from our little conversation.

I was in a blind rage, and so help me god, if I had not an appointment to keep, I would’ve set that GODDAMN PLACE ON FIRE!!! I shouted obscenities to them in the only Spanish I know and demanded one final time for the $4 I was rightfully owned, but Rick dismissed me on account of Estraleta had begun crying over the altercation. I hope you cried your little refried-ass off realll nice, sister; it’s called the sharp sting of guilt, and as you are obviously a practicing Catholic I would expect you to know it quite well. I left, but not without the undying conviction that I would one day return and right this wrong, but for now I must be content with the simple satisfaction that I’m getting the word out to all of you. My experience should serve as a reminder that in this day ‘n age no one, and I mean no one, is safe from the incompetency of the bureaucratic mindset. Nostalgic I am for the days when everyone took pride in what they do. Now, everywhere you look, it’s an Estraleta, or a Kung Pow!

Damn. In my rage I must've misplaced the receipt, cause I can't find it now. Oh, well. I can always just make a call to my friends at the INS. Oh, I'm sure they'll just have a field day at that place. That's right! After a week don't expect any color at the Burger King on MLK and Armenia besides black & white, baby! Just the way I like it: me white, her black. Hot damn!

Keep laughing your ass off, Burger King. I hope one day soon some underling gets envious and decides to commit some regicide. And by the looks of this picture it’s no surprise your product tastes like shit!


This has been Scam America!, always looking out FOR YOU!

AskMen.com

Slander: proclaiming Megan Fox the "2nd most desirable woman of 2009."

AskMen.com is a men's lifestyle website founded in August 1999 by Ricardo Poupada, Christopher Bellerose Rovny, and Luis Rodrigues. Thanks to the collapse of their main competitor, they were able to corner the market on loser jerkoff's who are desperate to learn the shortcuts that will make them, at the most, semi-successful jerkoff's. The site claims 7.2 million unique visitors, likely unique only in that they all lacked stable father figures who were willing to teach them how to be real men. Or, since that hasn't really been unique for some time, unique in that they're all too scared to step out into the real world and learn on their own via the tried and true, all-time greatest method of breaking men in: experience.

Anyways, every year the head honcho jerkoff's get together and compile a list of 99 famous women outside of the adult film community whom they masturbate to the most and release it on their site. I checked it out to see whom these chicken chokers consider desirable.

It was the usual: ugly teens who lucked out in adulthood; C-grade starlets; braindead models who get checks outside of the physical beauty department for humanitarian work they probably delegate to assistants; Charlize Theron. No surprises, just the same starstruck fantasies I'm used to reading in Esquire, except with poorer writing and put in list-form. But there was something that did irk me - #2, Megan Fox, the T&A from that big-budget car commercial a couple years back.


I never much liked this girl. Looks-wise, her kind's a dime a dozen, but the way she's sold really irks me. That stench of the 'risque', and not even the geniune kind! It's that bad-girl shit advertisers piss their pants over, all that 'this is the girl you can't bring home to Mom and Dad' bull. On the cover of GQ in a black bikini against a red background with your tongue stickin' out; who do you take me for, a complete moron?!

I feel sorry for this man. Just Beverly Hills 90210, and 10 years later he's still at rock-bottom.

If I wanted a slut, I'd have the good sense to hook up with one who wasn't known nationwide. And she isn't even a real one! The only kind of sexuality she oozes is the committee-approved kind, aided by supportive lighting, tight costumes, and a pervert behind the camera.

If I'm going to live in a country where an AskMen.com can exist, then they had better well choose the correct women to be considered desirable! Those blowjob hacks think I'm going to fall for this ruse, to have this faux-tart foisted upon me as a goddess whom I and every American male must worship, to accept that she is desirable, up and down, no questions asked...well, they've got another thing coming. This is Scam America! That sort of horseshit doesn't fly around here.

Don't bother with her, boys. Quit paying attention to her just because the establishment says you should jerk off to her. There are adult entertainers for that; it's their job. They provide a vital service to the American economy. Your semen drives their industry! Why give it to some wannabe floozy whose self-enflated ego wouldn't let her give you the time of day? Pornographers will work for your attention.

Is there more to Megan Fox than meets the eye? No. She's basically that girl in high school you gave up on when you realized how much shit you'd have to put up with just to get the rare blowjob. Nothin' special.

P.S. If you're going to choose any starlet worth salivating over, why not go for the real Hollywood bird, the cokehead of easy virtue, the one constantly smuggling those big, freckled melons, who actually backs up her lesbian urges. You go, girl.

P.P.S.

Men's portal? I believe that should be the tagline of a different kind of men's magazine.

This has been Scam America!, always looking out FOR YOU!

Chicken of the Sea

Slander: claiming to be the "Chicken" of the Sea.

The reason behind the name of this company is supposedly because fisherman used to liken tuna to chicken because of the white color and very mild flavor. Thus, Chicken of the Sea. But is this rationale truly justifiable? Can tuna really be considered the "Chicken" of the Sea?

For fishermen, it can. But perhaps these sea salts shouldn't be the judge. While they certainly mine the sea, they don't live in the sea. Who are they to say what the "chicken" of the sea really is? If not the fisherman, then who? To find out, I decided to go straight to the source:

That whole Chicken of the Sea thing is bullshit. Those fuckin' cocksuckin' fishermen didn't know wha the hell they were talkin' bout. They couldn't find their couch in the living room if ya asked 'em to. Tuna ain't the chicken of the sea! It's the Zooplankton. I guess that just don't look so attractive on a can, though. - Anonymous Bluefin Tuna

This shines a new light on the controversy. It seems we, the American consumers, have been lied to this whole time. We were only told that tunafish was the chicken of the sea, the 'this tastes like chicken' of the oceans. The truth was withheld from us. But since zooplankton is the most precious food-source for actual FISHES, who live in the actual SEA, I think it's clear we can ignore crusty ol' Captain McAllister and instead listen to the rhythm of the waves. With those tides rolls the truth upon the beaches...Zooplankton of the Sea! Score another one for the American Consumer!

Wait! You can hear it speaking now! Do you know what it's saying? Mmmmmm...Zooplanktonnnn...

This has been Scam America!, always looking out FOR YOU!

John Beck

Slander: Promising the consumer "Real Estate For Pennies On The Dollar! Where You Live!"

John Beck is a regular on the late-night airwaves aimed solely at the most desperate among us. His Free & Clear Real Estate Investing Program promises real estate for pennies on the dollar, which is a euphemism for paying a tiny fraction of the normal price. An offer like that can make many easily-swayed Americans let their greed and desperation take control of their decision-making processes. I, however, pride myself on my will-power. I would never allow myself to be influenced by such a “too good to be true” offer. My mother beat it into me to know better than that.

However, I did have some spare change lying around and thought that it was worth a try in the interest of Scam America! I always have you, the consumer, and my portfolio, on my mind at all times.

I purchased his program Pennies on the Dollar, and I must say, I have never been more dissatisfied with a product since that George Foreman grill I was given that did nothing more than sap the meat of all it’s delicious juice!

His product clearly states that it will teach me how to purchase homes all over the United States and Canada (the malformed brother who lives in the attic) for as little as “2 or 3 cents on the dollar, free and clear, and with no monthly payments!” After reading this on the back cover and noticing how packed was my change jar, I was very excited. But as I am an extremely busy man, I did not have the time to read the entire booklet, so I leafed through and mainly inspected the houses that Beck cited as being available under his Free and Clear system. They looked to be in extremely good conditions for homes offered at only a handful of change, at the most.

Using the resources of Scam America!, I tracked one of these houses down, and with a pocketful of change I was prepared to make a full offer, no matter what the owner threw at me. It’s rare in my profession to find a possible scam that actually turns out to be genuine, but I thought I had. There was just something about the confidence the blurbs on the cover of John’s booklet conveyed, something about that winning smile of his next to the extra-large image of $100 bills spread out in the banner on his website, that made me feel I had finally found a pony worth backing. Oh, how wrong I was.

I arrived at the home and was astounded by how beautiful it was, and thought, in addition to the home of my wife and I and any future children, it would make a great base of operations for Scam America!I knocked on the door, and when the man of the house appeared I brandished the handful of change I’d brought and told him, “Don’t even give me a price. Just let me know how long it’ll take for you and your family to find another place.” He stood there for a moment, then laughed and slammed the door in my face. I was delusional at that point; I thought it had just not been the correct house.

It was. And so were the 5 other houses I visited after that, each where I met with similar results. All approved by John Beck’s Free & Clear program. When I got home, I checked to make sure I really did have two legs and wasn’t wearing a leather mini-skirt, because it felt as if I had just been screwed like a one-legged hooker. How shamed I felt, that I had fell for it. That bald sack of shit lied to me, with his shiny grin!

But I had my pride hurt before, and always picked myself up again. This time would be no different. It had cost me little, only $24.95 for the book and a slight fire hazard when the book self-destructed when I tried to call the help hotline. And I had gained something: the wisdom to tell you that John Beck’s Free & Clear program is MOST DEFINITELY A SCAM! I learned firsthand that you simply cannot buy homes for pennies on the dollar. Maybe you can in a perfect world. But this isn’t a perfect world…It’s America!

Eat shit and die, you bald turd.


This has been Scam America!, always looking out FOR YOU!

ExtenZe

Slander: claiming to provide maximum strength enhancement to that certain part of the male body.

It’s easy to see why these adverts have caught on so well: Pornography, the provider of our sexual standards as a nation, hardly…rarely features members…men with members that more closely resemble the standard penis size. The standard six-incher, whether it be a grower or a shower, is shunned as boring, unattractive, and not worthy of praises such as “Oh my god, your cock is so huge! Ahh!” and “It was insane. I’ve never had a cock that big before.” This is an ideal most men cannot realize.

ExtenZe has tapped these fears by providing pills they say lead to all-natural male enhancement, a euphemism for penis enlargement. With such a desperate need to make our fantasies a reality, America’s men can be forgiven for making this product such a success. But does it work?

NO! ExtenZe is a total fraud. I have taken the recommended doses and seen absolutely no difference! Like psychics and my estranged deadbeat son, it claims to work yet is utterly worthless.

But don’t take our word for it. Here’s what a doctor practicing in the state of New Jersey had to say:

The effects of ExtenZe are completely nonexistant. The pills contain high and unsafe traces of lead, and disturbing quantities of rat feces. Being the committed physician I am, I've taken them myself for some time now (purely in the interest of science), and have noticed no other change in my genitalia other than a strange green glow eluminating my left testicle. I should definitely get that checked out. - Dr. Vinnie Boombotz

Right. Not only do they not work, but taking them is a great risk. As far as I knew, only Red Lobster was willing to slip that much rat turd content into what they offer and not even apologize.

Taking ExtenZe is simply not worth it, as I have just discovered. It would be wrong to say the effects of ExtenZe are "nonexistant", Dr. Boombotz; while they clearly did not extend the size of my penis, they certainly had one hell of an effect:

THEY MADE IT FUCKING FALL OFF!!!

Do not worry, though; like those of the humpback whales, my penis is simply reattachable. This is due to an unusual event where I was consumed by a radioactive whale and then flushed out, only to find I now shared some of it's traits. Sony has already bought the rights to my story; expect to see "The Dickless Wonder" in a theater near you some time next summer.

Obviously, though, not all men share this ability. So it is of the utmost importance that you heed my warning and DO NOT USE EXTENZE! Unless, of course, you fantasize about one day looking down and seeing your dismembered dick wiggling in an ever-expanding pool of your blood. If not, you just to have to learn to live with what God gave you. And if that's not enough for you, you can always pop some Viagra and do it in the butt, sans lube. A practical mind will do you much better than a blue capsule full of rat shit ever will!

This has been Scam America!, always looking out FOR YOU!